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twin sisters. living abundantly. loving extravagantly. leading boldly. leaning deeply on Jesus.

Can God Be Trusted? Jenny Price

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I’m not afraid to tell you this and you could totally judge me for it – I don’t yet trust God to fully heal my boy.  Deep in my heart I trust, I know God is able, I know all the “right” answers, but in the tangible every day – overwhelm, I forget what I really believe.

I do trust God to be all that He is, and He never promised healing for any of us in the earthly sense – but at times, I wonder, won’t I trust Him more as I know Him better?

It’s kind of like our kids.  When they know we want the best of the best, won’t they trust our hearts?

I want to trust.  I want to trust no matter the circumstance.  And, I don’t.

All of us forget.  Some of us never even get to the point of wanting to trust.  My boy –

He whispers his answers.  It’s a control game.  Some days I play and get sucked in to the drama of the trauma.

He doesn’t whisper to his teacher, his friends, his sisters or brothers.

But he whispers to me.  Intangible, untouchable, unreached.

When a child suffers neglect and abandonment, in some ways, it’s harder to recover from then straight-up abuse.  When you’re the twin boy watching the twin girl get whatever love the birth mom can give, the wounds are deep and dark.

So, he keeps whispering.  Even seven years later.

“Do you want to hurt Mommy or be far away from Mommy?”

“I want to be far away.” (He doesn’t even say my name in this exchange.  To do so, would be acknowledgement that I am here and I have not left.)

It’s one thing to “get” the psychology of it all, and it’s a whole other piece of pie to eat every day, to wake up to manipulation, confusion, push and shove and “get away from me” efforts.  It’s not him.  I know all this.  But, it hurts.

It hurts that he is so alone, that he can’t yet trust, that he is so wounded.

It hurts being the mom who used to think I can love him enough to get him well (he gets to be well in Christ one day – and that will be his choice).

It hurts to have a child not trust me or anyone else.  He trusts the dog.  Dogs are not a threat.

We parents think we have unconditional love for our kids.  Yes, we would die for them, and yes, we love them in ways we cannot explain, but it is still love based on conditions.

We get disappointed.  We get overwhelmed by their choices.  We keep track of their obedience.  We may not love them more or less because of their wandering but we are not The One Who Loves Unconditionally – the One who only Keeps Track of the Love He has for us.

There is Only One.  My daily, fervent prayer, is that each of my kids, gets that love and trusts The One Who Loves in Ways we will never know – it will take all of eternity to grasp.

One day, this little boy of mine, wounded as he may be, far away and untrusting as he seems today, He will Be Loved by the Beloved.  I pray.

I know I’m this little boy to God some days.  I don’t trust fully either.  I run to Jesus and then I hide from him.  I run to my Savior’s Arms and then I try to run my own life.

Does anyone of us who “gets” Jesus really fully trust Him in every single way, every single day?  I am so grateful I know I get to trust in the permanence of my salvation relationship in Christ and I get to surrender to the growth and development of Trust Falls every day.

I asked two questions about trust and running to God on Facebook last week.  Here are the responses.  I really appreciate the dialogue.  All comments are shared by Facebook friends…

When did you stop running from God OR Why can’t you trust God yet?

I stopped running from God when…

  • I started running towards Him 33 years ago. And I’ve never stopped.
  • I felt his arms around me for the first time and have continued to feel them to this day.
  • I broke through praying for myself and he placed my head on his lap and wrapped his arms around me. I couldn’t deny his existence anymore.
  • I was losing my family, my life was out of control and I saw the work of Jesus in everything my family did or said
.
  • I felt His presence through all my pain!
  • I hit rock bottom and got tired of fighting myself. I had to surrender. I had to develop faith that His plan for me was better than my plan for me as my plan was not working very well.
  • I found he had control and not me
  • I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I woke up and saw others around me who have been where I’ve been worshipping Jesus and putting all there faith and trust in Him.
  • I realized he was not punishing me for my past, but was there with me all this time with His arms wide open. From the broken pieces of my life to something beautiful, I Am enough in Him!
  • I realized that I had no reason to be angry at him for my father passing away suddenly and that I needed him to move forward in my life.
  • I could no longer run at all.
  • I figured out to run to Him.
  • I realized I couldn’t do it without him.
  • I finally realized there was no better place to be….all my needs met…peace in the storms…fullness of joy…
  • I realized I was staying stuck in a victim mentality and this was in no way serving me with my life, or the relationship I said I wanted with God. I changed my thought process and my language so that instead of not knowing if God was trustworthy, or thinking he wasn’t in my victim state, I started to say and think, I choose to trust God in…. whatever situation. I also chose to believe the truth that if we accept Christ, we have the Holy Spirit inside of us, therefore I get to trust the God IN me as well.
  • my marriage was falling apart and I realized that He had the only answers. That was 32 years ago, and He is still giving me all the answers that I need
  • I finally got out of my own head. I realized that, although God is everywhere, he is truly felt in your heart, not discovered in your mind, as the result of some mathematical formula. My own inability to comprehend why does not disprove His existence
  • I can’t trust God yet because…
  • I can’t see Him
  • I don’t trust anyone else, so why trust this thing I don’t even know?
  • I struggle with trusting God because the losses have been greater than the victories! Can’t seem to find a way to let that go or use it to grow me and completely surrender to Him again
  • I haven’t been able to trust or truly acknowledge a higher power as I have never felt or realized there being one. Now hear me when I say there has to be more and with the greatness of nature and the world we live in I do believe that there is something, I just can’t say I know what that something is. I can say that I have been through a lot in my life and those who know me may know some of my story. I have been close to death more times than even I can count. In places I wouldn’t wish upon any person, and even through these different events I cannot honestly say I understand or have felt what I hear others know to be true. I am not closed off to the idea of religion, in fact I enjoy learning about different religions. I do know there is more I just can’t say I know or believe in any one idea. Just my experience.
  • First, I really struggle with the language inserting a specific gender to God. That infers that females are subservient, more specifically less than males. I consciously walked away from Christianity at a very young age. Many adults I have experienced, who speak on behalf of Christianity lack integrity, compassion and, at the heart of this religion, love. It’s not the philosophies within the Bible that I disagree with but how it is modeled in society as a whole. My deepest wish is that Christians who are authentically, honestly rooted in the message of love condemn openly those who manipulate their gospel to encourage judgement, hatred, segregation, discrimination and a culture of hierarchy. What if God, in the purest sense, is love? And our journey is deepening our understanding of love? Our higher self, the subconscious, is a direct connection to that source. Being open to receive it is the task at hand.

We all run to and from God (as we know God to be) and we all lack trust in different moments.

What can you offer to this dialogue today?  COMMENTS are delightful.  We love hearing your hearts. 

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twin sisters. living abundantly. loving extravagantly. leading boldly. leaning deeply on Jesus.

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